The geopolitics of romance

Thank God for intrepid researchers. If it weren't for the latest scientific findings, we might not know how different Americans and Europeans really are. We've always assumed they're different, I suppose, but now we know. Not only that, but we have learned their differences extend to romantic love.

We may have surmised it, having watched all those movies about Americans in Paris and Venice, but this fall the scientists at the State University of New York and their colleagues at Moscow State University for the Humanities took the guesswork out of it. They confirmed some assumptions; others turned out to be counterintuitive. For instance, between Americans and Lithuanians, who would you have picked as more likely to fall in love at first sight?

Had you picked Lithuanians, you would have been right -- but would you have picked Lithuanians? Not me. I'd have said, well, Americans are exuberant and perhaps a little naïve; they'll look at a pretty girl or handsome fellow and hear wedding bells. Lithuanians have been through the mill, they'll be more experienced and cautious. They'll want to make some inquiries before they commit.

But science says no. It seems Eastern Europeans fall in love at the drop of a hat, while Americans like to mull things over. Most Yanks (58%) report that they've taken two months to a year to decide that they were in love, while 90% of Lithuanians say they've fallen in love within a month.

All right -- let's figure this out. If you look at matters in another way, maybe it's not so surprising. Americans think of supplies as plentiful; Europeans, especially Eastern Europeans, think of supplies as scarce. Americans are used to being offered a selection of merchandise; Eastern Europeans are accustomed to having to grab what's available.

"You'd better fall in love with this girl, Petras, or you may not find another one. What if the government declares girls a monopoly, designated for export only? Remember what happened to thumbtacks? Suddenly you couldn't get 'em for love or money." No wonder 39% of Europeans report committing themselves within days, while a majority of American keep their options open up to a year.

One wishes the survey had covered more than just Lithuania, Russia and America, but universities have priorities, I suppose. There's funding for aggressive things like rocket science, but never enough for important studies like the battle of the sexes. Pity, for sexes may be the most important battle, if only for the military significance of demographics. Considering how decisive numbers can be in a conflict, maybe we should reevaluate the 1960s' hippy advice: "Make love, not war." Although it sounds frivolous, it's something General Sun Tzu himself might have endorsed.

After all, it's Sun Tzu who said: "Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win." Well, there's no better way to win first than to outnumber the enemy. Make love fruitfully enough, and you may never have to make war.

I wonder if hippies ever understood the geopolitical implication of their slogan. It's doubtful, considering how little anyone understood anything between 1960 and 1980, possibly the dumbest 20 years in the history of the Western world.

Forgive this unseemly outburst. Back to the romantic Lithuanians.

They are, as it turns out, exactly like Americans in their topmost desire, only more so. What is it? Togetherness. For Americans, Lithuanians and Russians "being together" is the primary reason for seeking pair bonding. People like being couples -- at least, people who do, do. In their top-10 lists of what's good about having a partner "being together" is #1 for Americans (38%), Russians (45%) and Lithuanians (50%) alike.

Sex barely makes the top 10 for Lithuanians. It comes ninth at 11.25%. It's seventh for Americans at 13% (for shame!) and even for oversexed Russians it's only a distant 2nd (25%) as a reason for entering a relationship. Of course, interviewees may lie to researchers, but it worries me more that they're telling the truth. Enfeebled, relegated from stardom to a walk-on, humanity's life-force may not play the role it once did. Civilization's first victim may be sex.

No such danger in uncivilized times -- war, for instance. As the Second World War was winding down, the Red Army raped its way across Europe. Stalin had a standard reply to complaints. "Our boys are chasing the Nazis," he'd say. "They may not live through the day. Do we expect them to bring women flowers and ask them for dates?"

Stalin clearly didn't. In occupied countries, women adopted protective strategies: Looked ancient, shuffled with canes, blackened their teeth. On our street all did, except one.

Mitzi was the local optician's daughter. Her strategy was to make herself look as sexy as an emaciated woman could with no decent clothes and cosmetics. For wartime conditions, she actually managed to look fetching.

People were aghast. "You're asking for it," they said to her. "Who's going to protect you from the soldiers?"

"My new boyfriend, I hope," she replied. "Their commanding officer."

And so he did.